assuming some of you have one... this is dedicated to them!
1. Stop talking so much during sex. I don't mean "oooh, baby" "God, that feels good," "Oh, yea," etc. I mean, sex is not the time for a running conversation. Don't ask, every other minute, "Is this right? What do you want me to do next? Do you like this? Do you like that? Do you like this? Do you like this? Am I doing this right? What do you want to do next? What do you want to do now? Do you like this? What do you want me to do next? Do you like it when I do this? Want me to [whatever]? Does that feel good to you? Am I doing this right? Do you want to [whatever]?"
Are you seeing a pattern there? Yes, communication is important. Yes, we want to know it feels good and we want to tell you it feels good. We don't want to take a fucking final exam, no pun intended. We don't want to play 20 questions in the middle of sex. SHUT UP!!! Talking is okay, showing your appreciation is great, but if you'd just pay attention to her body signals, you wouldn't have to ask so many fucking questions.
2a. Never -- never -- NEVER use the words "mama" and "daddy" during sex. NEVER. The answer to "Does mama like it when daddy sucks her clit?" doesn't matter because just the words Mama and Daddy shut the pleasure sensors down. Don't. Do. It.
2b. Absolutely never never never say "Daddy likes his cock in Mama's mouth" when you're in her mouth. Regardless of her gag reflex, you might get vomited on.
3a. Stop with the smacking kisses. It's like listening to cows eat. Stop it.
3b. And, speaking of kisses....you don't have to stick your tongue down her throat the entire time. A great kiss can also involve lots of lip movement and no tongue. Try it.
4a. Do not -- I repeat DO NOT -- take her clit in your mouth and shake your head hard like a dog. What in the world makes you think that could possibly feel good? Oh, let me guess. You saw it in a porn movie. Dumbass.
4b. Do not suck and pull the labia to the point of stretching. Why would you do that? Did you not get enough pacifiers when you were a baby? Why? (If you don't know what labia is, you're too young to be reading this email anyway.)
4c. If you really don't know how to give good oral sex, remember the alphabet trick. If you don't know the alphabet trick, it's simple. Draw the letters of the alphabet on her pussy/over her clit with your tongue. Really, it is that simple. If you'll pay attention while you're doing it, you can tell which movements she really likes, too, and you can concentrate on those.
4d. By the way, your tongue has a pointed end and a flat side. Use both of them. If, after oral sex, your frenulum (look it up) feels tender or stretched, you're stretching your tongue too much during oral sex. Put your mouth closer to her clit, and you won't have that problem. If you dislike performing oral sex so much that you're doing your best Gene Simmons imitation anyway, maybe you shouldn't be doing it at all. She can tell you're not really into it, you know.
4e. If in doubt, remember: soft licks work best. Smashing your face hard in her pussy won't get her there faster. Start with soft licks and when she's holding your head by the ears and pushing up against your face, you'll know you're working it right.
4f. And while I'm on the subject of hard and soft....go gentle with the fingers in the vagina and anus thing. The trick is to add stimulation, not make her feel like she's getting a gyno exam. Ramming your fingers up there just hurts. When you have to chase her ass up the bed, it's because she's trying to get away from the pointed spear that is your finger.
4g. There is no need to say, "oh yea" and smack your lips every 10 seconds when your mouth is occupied down there. How is a woman supposed to relax into oral sex if you keep removing your mouth from where it's doing the most good? You're losing her. Stop it.
4h. DO NOT BITE HER CLIT. A little teeth scraping, a small nibble while you suck, okay. Biting? BITING???? What the fuck do you think you're doing??? Do you like teeth used on your penis? I didn't think so. Just think of it this way. All those nerve endings you have on a few inches of penis...sorry, I forgot, I'm on Craigslist....All those nerve endings you have on 12 throbbing inches of penis are, on her, concentrated in one little bud called the clitoris. I repeat - DO NOT BITE HER CLIT.
Class dismissed.
EDITED:
Yes, there are exceptions. I'm sure some women like to be called "mama" during sex. Go figure.
Yes, some of this is based on personal experience. Most of it, however, comes from conversations with my girlfriends.
Don't believe me? Print this out and show it to a woman you know.
